Broad Audit

on sunday emma and i decided to wake up when the sun was warm promtly at noon, crawl out of bed, and meet chris tagetill at the Beach Pub for lunch(breakfast?) because we had heard rumors that there was an all you can eat flounder special for $11 and that Beach Pub has circus themed restrooms . only one of the rumors were true.

Beach Pub is sort of an old local seafood/breakfast spot on Laskin Rd. in Virginia Beach. of our group only chris had been there before and that was years ago so we didnt know what to expect. but it was decent. not your nicest or fanciest seafood joint but it was pretty much what i would imagine from looking at the outside. its an older building, very outdated, a bunch of random mom’s with boy haircuts and 15 year old girls as the wait staff and tons of old people eating there that im sure are regulars. so before we were even helped chris spouted these words of dining wisdom, “places with a lot of old people are always good.”, aint that the truth? the food was decent. a kind of expensive lunch, but we knew what we were getting into and it was AYCE right? chris and i had the flounder special and emily had some french toast and eggs. i guess it was your standard flounder since i havent eaten flounder in probably more than 10 years. it was good. but there was a trick. the first piece of fish they bring you is HUUUUUUGE in hopes that your stomach is bigger than your eyes and you wont order another because you dont think you can finish another piece. but chris and i were far too smart for this group of half assed pub laborers. we both finished off three pieces of flounder, our first pieces being twice as big as the second and third. our meals came with a side, both of us choosing the standard french fries.

over all i’ll give the Beach Pub a satisfactory rating. it was decent. they have a different special every day of the week. and since ive just started eating fish, i think i might return on tuesday for their all you can eat fish and chips for $8.99, because really, we could all use more “all you can eat” specials in our lives cant we?

so i’ve been eating fairly well lately and ive been enjoying a nice clif bar every morning on the way to work for the past 6 months or so. yesterday i noticed a new kind of cliff bar on the shelf. its a trail mix bar line, called MOJO. its awesome. it tastes just like what its called. trail mix with honey or some crap holding it together in “bar” form. i loved it. ive had 2 now, ive only seen 2 flavors. peanut butter pretzel, and mountain mix. they also have fruit nut crunch, honey roasted peanuts, and mixed nuts. i liked the peanut butter pretzel one a little more than mountain mix. but both were pretty good. especially in comparison to other “energy bars” or “health bars”. loved it. love clif. good stuff.

sorry for the lack of fun in this review. i just thought id share my new clif knowledge with the world and couldnt think of a way to make it funny at all. fuck it, if you wanna laugh just go watch the video in the Rock Band audit again.

Terry from Reno 911 is the best! Check out  Terry’s New Car

Terry: I heard a rumor.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What’s that, Ter?
Terry: Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.

Terry: I’m in five gangs now. I started two. I started the Kitties and the Grape Slushies.

so this update is on the website muxtape.com and alicia and i both made a mix that we’ll exchange and review. ok, so its an online playlist website pretty much, a throwback to the good ol mixtape. i think its a cool idea. you just go to the site, make a muxtape name then you can upload any 12 songs straight off of your computer on to their website that is put up as your mixtape on your personal muxtape site. my only beef is that you can only upload songs that are in mp3 format, when i made mine half the songs i tried to use were in ACC format, whatever that means. so maybe its just my fault? but i couldn’t use whatever songs i wanted to for whatever reason.

ok. so you get it. now onto Alicia’s mix… brightwash.muxtape.com if you want to check it out. we have very different tastes in music these days so im not sure what I’m going to make of this mix… we’ll see, we connect on a lot of bands, but we are also very far on a lot of music.

its titled “for summer”. the first song… i dont get it. its from an artist called El Guincho, its in spanish. the music is ok, kinda poppy latina junk. i just dont like music in other languages. it annoys the crap out of me. and the song gets redundant after about 30 seconds. i tried to look up what guincho means and the spanish dictionary doesnt even know. you cant just go around making up words for your band name. theres a jens lekman song and a franz ferdinand song next. they both kinda run together, sound the same to me. not feeling it. jenz is cool though, swedish lounge singer that plays with all all blonde female backing band. bouncing souls made the mix. takes me back to high school. they hold up for a good listen every year or so. i havent listened to a lot of joe strummer stuff but this song “johnny appleseed” is awesome. best song of the mix. the fiery furnaces, dont like it. the virgins, cool simple, retro, lo-fi pop song. im digging it. bill callahan is the hidden gem of the mix. i love a good acoustic singer songwriter and this cat hits the nail on the head. really good song. ok, now bonde do rolle… seriously? more wacky spanish pop trash. I’m not even sure if its meant to be taken seriously or if its a joke. i didn’t get it. hated it. i guess its kind of funny. if thats what they were going for, success. but who listens to entire records of this stuff? the libertines, cool rockin pop song. I’m really into it. i like the vocals a lot. theres a cat power song that i hadn’t heard yet on here, its good. shes the best. amazing voice. very few misses, always a hit. to close out the mix is one of the better billy bragg songs that I’ve heard. as i mentioned earlier, I’m a sucker for acoustic stuff lately, he is top notch on that front.
so for an overall review of Alicia’s mix, i got what i expected. a few surprise songs that made me smile, a few bands I’ve never heard that i really liked, and a few of her crazy disco pop music that i just don’t understand

– mike

weedjams.muxtape.com is Mike’s muxtape. First song = Kind of like Spitting “Thrill of the Hunt”. This song is alright, but I don’t remember anything about it and I listened to it 5 minutes ago. The next two songs I already love! “Biomusicology” by Ted Leo & The Pharmacists and “Kate” by Ben Folds Five. I remember at some point (before muxtape) having listened to these songs over and over and over and over and then some more…also Ted Leo shows are fun. Shelley Green I’ve never heard of you, but this song is really nice – I like the lyrics. Drag the River song is hillbilly, oh I mean alt-country. I’ve never had any whores of my own or finished any amount of whiskey, it seems like a hard life. Black Star song, it’s a hip hop song with rap in it and “Rap Music Makes me Feel Invincible” – I’m in! (Someone should make me a hip hop muxtape.) The Beatles “Helter Skelter”, good song, I like it when a mix has one or two classic oldies on it. Sunny Day Real Estate “In Circles” – I don’t like Sunny Day Real Estate, but many people do. The Get Up Kids “Coming Clean” – I remember this song from high school. The American Steel song is good!, it’s nothing I’d pick out on my own or even know existed. More whiskey references, maybe there is some truth to Mike being secretly drunk everyday. Latterman “If Batman Was Real, He Would have Beaten the Crap out of my Friends” – I wish this song was really about Batman. Leatherface “Not a Day Goes By” – liked it. I didn’t know what to expect from weedjams except maybe Boyz II Men. The only thing we ever talk about is the Cat and how cool she is, oh and Tom Petty. Mike’s mux was quite enjoyable.

– alicia

Make a muxtape and comment us a link.

so this was meant to be a dual audit, but we never got around to it. so im doing it now.

alicia, emily and i went to the chesapeake jubilee a few weeks ago. and it was a trashy experience to say the least. we had to sit in traffic forever, it took an hour to go 2 miles, parked in Guam and walk for days to arrive at sleazy fest 2008 at around 8pm. we knew it’d be a trifling scene, but we had no idea just how trifling.

so as soon as we get there we head straight to the ticket booth and to the Gravitron.

while waiting in the eternal line we caught a free show from what i can only assume were the festival’s clowns. they weren’t entirely prepared for their show, they were still putting on their make up.

i don’t know what sort of show they were putting on, but i wasn’t amused.
so we rode the greatest state fair-esque ride ever and moved on to the “wild mouse”. while standing in line we met these two shirts…
and the two boys wearing these shirts were nice. they were hugging and kissing the whole time, cuddling watching the fireworks, popping each others pimples and whatnot. but that is neither here nor there, back to the ride.
now holy shit. this thing was dangerous. i did not feel safe. we ripped off the drunk who was running the ride, only paying 4 tickets a piece for a 5 ticket ride, somehow he realized and tried to kick us off, but we had already boarded the ride, so it was too much trouble for him. so he just took another swig and pushed the button. i have never been so scared. it was terrifying and i don’t recommend it to anyone. seriously. not safe.

now after our two rides and a round of carnival foods, its time for the real reason we came… the gin blossoms! they were funny as crap. down to earth, joking the people and the festival. it was a good time, and I’m glad they they weren’t all “rock star” and too good to play our dumpy farm fest. but enough about them… this fuckin lady…
… needs no explanation. she doesn’t give a FUCK that she’s wearing translucent pants with no underoos and a bright ass red shirt tucked in… wait a second… Mom?

there were some definite creeps out there. i caught this dude creepin on this girls vag.

and they had a mechanical bull… which is fun for about 2 seconds.

after all this we started the loooong journey back to the car where we found more of those carni clowns and a huge pile of vomit(sorry, no pics).

overall i had an interesting time to say the very least. but sorry chesapeake jubilee, you are not worth the headache and hassle of dealing with your native trash. i give you a thumbs down.

man, ive been waiting to audit Rock Band for a long time. i think ive got enough riffs and tom rolls under my belt to make a thorough evaluation of the game…

so you should know the concept by now… its an interactive video game allowing players to become rock stars. you play the guitar/bass, drums or sing. theres a ton of features, world tour lets you start a multiplayer band with your friends and tour the world. you can do a solo tour. you can play online with strangers. you can create people with tons of different looks and styles. its insane. theres sooo much to do in this game, its bound to keep you from getting bored of it like most video games.

the song selection is pretty good.its not as good as Guitar Hero’s selection in my opinion. BUT you can download new songs to play so you never get tired of it(im not sure if Guitar Hero has that option) theres literally 100s of songs to choose from and they make pretty frequent updates with new ones. you dont have to be a musician to play. you dont need to know how to play guitar or drums, and actually just because you shred the guitar doesnt mean youll be good at the game(it doesnt hurt though). anyone can play it. i think they did a very good job of making music into a game. its as close as any video game can get to actually playing drums i think. of course there are a few things that are different, but its a game. and they had to make it as compact and affordable as possible. theyre not gonna give you a 10 piece drum set to have to set up/break down every time you play. if you want to learn how to play guitar or drums, i honestly would recommend playing the game. it will help your timing and coordination to make the real thing slightly easier for you.

ok, so your thinking about buying either rock band or guitar hero, huh? dont be a god damn fool. buy rock band. its 10 times better. ill give guitar hero its credit. the visual effects are better than rock band, and the song selection may be a little more hip. but it is not better than rock band. cool, you can play guitar over and over and over…. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. in rock band you can get your whole family involved. you can get a band going with your buddies and party like motley crue. seriously, motley crue. ive even started to develop a coke habit and everything. this game spares no expense.

really the only reason i chose to audit Rock Band(aside from that i love the game) is to post the following music performance. enjoy.

Sabotage as performed by Emma, Judy, and Ellen.

As a non-native of the bustling and expansive metropolis that is Hampton Roads (I am an “HRO,” or Hampton Roads Outsider), I had no preconceived notion of No Frill Grill. After having supped at the establishment, I would characterize the entire experience with one phrase: good, but confusing.

As we rolled into the strip mall that is home to No Frill, I was initially confounded by the establishment’s exterior. It looked like a 1950’s diner! Although I wouldn’t use the adjective “frill” to describe the building, it was certainly not frill-less. Further confusing this uninitiated HRO, the interior decoration upon entry was more suited to the lobby restaurant of an upscale ski lodge, with its cozy booths and wintry wooden paneling. After the initial bewilderment abated, the environs proved comfortable and the staff congenial.

Our waitress was immediately very friendly, and even thwarted the Head Auditor’s subterfuge on the ordering process (see “Madlibs – the Restaurant Edition,” Random House, 2002). Adding to the confusion, we were forced to spend the first five minutes of our meal without silverware, which proved more difficult for those within our party with coleslaw as a side than those with French fries. The Head Auditor and his associate both enjoyed what looked to be succulent veggie burgers, while the First Lady of Auditing nibbled disconcertedly at a very tall tuna melt. My teriyaki tuna pita absolutely exceeded my expectations. The tuna, which was cut into cubes, was cooked to a perfect pink, and the teriyaki sauce was flavorful without being overwhelming. The addition of a southwestern bean and corn salsa of sorts, although confusing, resulted in a delicious combination of flavors and textures when paired with the sweetness of the pita. The French fries were nothing to write home about, but they were certainly not sub-par.

After the silverware debacle, the Head Auditor had threatened the waitress with his stringent negative gratuity policy. This did not deter her from getting slightly testy with us when we politely agreed to her suggestion to split the check. Despite her initial discomfort with the request, she divvied the tab with alarming alacrity, leaving us in a mound of mathematical confusion. Nor was she baffled by my mid-meal request to change beverages, a service which she deftly provided. The service, although moody, was certainly furtle-free. This humble HRO departed the Grill slightly puzzled, but satiated and pleased nonetheless.

- A.C. Slater, HRO and No Sh-t Brit*

*On paper only. For all intent and purposes, the writer is a cultural American.

so emily and i went to dinner at Nawab Indian Cuisine… we were feeling adventurous. neither of us had ever been there, and we’d always been (bi)curious. its a nice little restaurant. small and cozy. only a couple of waiters working on a friday night. it got a little crowded, but nothing to complain about. apparently they have a lunch buffet but we were there for dinner. our waiter was nice, i had no clue what to order, im not a daring eater. i stick to the basics. lets just say i dont “think outside the bun”. so i had our waiter recommend something off the vegetarian section. there were maybe 6 things to choose from, and a couple vegan dishes too.
he brought me some kind of creamy sauce with a ton of mixed veggies in it, over rice. it was pretty awesome. emily had some sort of crab sauce over rice. looked good, she liked it. but the best thing was this bread. oh man… it was some kind of pita bread with coconut and cherries baked into it. man, it was like a dessert bread or something. awesome. i think the average menu item was about $12(emily’s was $17, ballin!). with that bread concoction being a few bucks im sure, our bill was around $35 i think. i would eat there again. i know a lot of people just drive by that place and wonder what is inside. i know i did for years, and this is what i though was in there…



hmmmm. go eat there.

i recently went to Las Vegas on vacation with my good buddies Jason and Mikey. i will now audit the city. Vegas, it has a reputation, thats for sure. its a bold town. i had a pretty low key trip. stayed in one casino for the most part. the Tropicana hotel & casino. refused to gamble anywhere else in fear on jinxing ourselves like we did in Atlantic City. here’s the thing. if you’re going to Vegas strictly to gamble, not see the sites, bang a prostitute, see david copperfield, or bette midler, than you might as well just go to AC. i didnt do anything in Vegas that i couldnt have done in AC or nearby NYC. not worth it in my book. yes, everyone should go at one point in their life. its an insane city, but it just doesnt live up to the hype for me. im just not a “night life” sort of guy. im just tryin to chill at a roulette table and hit huge. the only thing we did aside from gamble was see a magic show… by this dude… …it sucked. mike and jason hit a strip club, and jason went to an art show… gay. dont get me wrong, i had fun. im just saying that i could have went to atlantic city for a quarter of what i spent in vegas and had the same great time. the highlight of the trip was EASILY when i bumped into my niggaz Joe Montana and Tupac.
i dont mean to bash on the city of sin, but if youre not trying to go to sketchball clubs, then please, save your money and go to atlantic city.

Liev Schreiber, Paul Rudd, Michael Showalter, David Wain, Janeane Garofalo, Michael Ian Black, Winona Ryder.

That trailer combined with that cast had me anxiously awaiting this movie last year. Fortunately for me it didn’t play anywhere near – because I would have tried to steal my money back. I kept this at the top of my Netflix queue so that when it did come out on DVD I’d get it immediately. This movie was so terrible. Bad sketch comedy disguised as a feature film. We sat through the whole thing out of curiosity – to see if it, itself was a joke in the end. #1 worst thing about it: Paul Rudd. Since when can Paul Rudd do wrong?