Audit: (noun) any thorough assessment or review
Outback Steakhouse Bloomin Onion
I went to Outback (first time) with a bunch of pals a couple weeks ago. I don’t eat meat so there were few options for me (Caesar salad hold everything thanks!) but I had heard a lot about the Bloomin Onion*. It did not disappoint, very delicious, I liked the dip. Not enough to go back.
Aftermath:
*I read online it’s over 3000 calories so you probably want to share this with anyone you can find.
last saturday night emma and i went on a date type evening with fellow couples travis/blair, and J.Bibby/becca. we had your standard dinner and a movie date. for dinner i suggested we go to travis and blairs’ favorite spot, Vietnam Garden in virginia beach. id been there once before with Streit house and remember not caring for it too much, but on the request of a couple of Broad Audit readers i gave it another chance and looked to audit my meal to appease the reading public.
ok. so first of all, we had a party of 6. thats no unusual is it? 6 people is not hard to accommodate is it? well apparently the vietnam garden needs to prepare for a rush of customers of this gigantic proportion. the fucking mean, old dude that runs the place gave us some lip for not calling in advance with such a large party. i mean, there were plenty of empty seats. fucking John and Kate Plus 8 could have come in and sat down with no wait and still had room to seat us.
so we sit for 20 minutes or so and becca and jehou finally arrive. our waitress is this wonderfully cute asian women. she takes our order, recommends something for travis to have since he was unsure, and was just generally pleasant and happy, i dont know how since the fucking Grinch of Vietnam was yelling at her the whole time in the back. we get some sort of sesame pancakes as an appetizer, they were awesome. theyre like fried corn meal type stuff, with some sort of vegetable in it i guess cause there were specs of green inside the pancakes, but while we wait for that… the previously mentioned saint of vietnam tried to poison us with some chicken dumpling bullshit that she brought “on the house”, BITCH! WE’RE VEG! emma and i almost ate it cause we didnt know what it was and we were getting impatient waiting for the waitress to come back so we could ask what was in it.
the pancakes were awesome and stole the meal for me. i loved them, i could have just got a plate of those and been happy.
me and emily both ordered what i guess is the vietnamese version of Pad Thai Tofu. it was ok. everyone else’s order looked really interesting yet not really good to me, except for travis’. he got some green beans and tofu meal that was good, i tasted. 
so now its time to pay. us being the young, cheap, difficult kids we are, of course need the check separated. DUH. act like youve had a table full of 20-somethings before. its not on 1 bill. so of course the guy is gonna bust our balls. this guy looks like an aged, fat version of Luigi from the Super Mario Bros. games. he was rocking an uncomfortably tight polo shirt which made his “outtie” belly button painfully obvious. fuck this guy.
overall the place was decent. but for what i had and my taste, i could have gone to Bangkok Garden, got real pad thai, paid a couple dollars less, been in a nicer restaurant, and not had to deal with some deformed belly button prick. not bad, just not good for me either. meh.
Alicia recently discovered a new mexican joint to break the incredible repetitive dining at Plaza Azteca. no disrespect to the wonderful people at Plaza, but i dont even like you really, and ALL my friends love you, so im forced to eat with you like 3 times a week. fuck. so we break our exclusive mexican dining rights with Plaza and head to Gringo’s. the dining area in this place is way small, there are like 5 tables, they even stuck a table out in the hallway. it was pretty crowded so i can imagine slightly uncomfortable eating in close quarters most of the time. it was just a little hole in the wall spot off norfolk ave. at the oceanfront. they spared many expenses with dolling the place up, i mean this was their dry/erase board bathroom sign for christ’s sake.
youre not paying for ambiance here, thats for sure. we eventually settle on cramming 5 people to this tiny table and order. they have your standard mexican food items, no big surprises from the menu, apparently they had a nice selection of beers and wines, i didnt notice, i wasnt drinking that night… the staff of Gringo’s, top notch. there was a man and a women taking care of all the tables together, they were both really friendly and hilarious. i got the impression that they owned the place, im pretty sure its a family run spot for some reason. 
the guy putting alicia and mike in the headlock, he was our waiter waiter. when the guy is taking our order, emily has a question, she asks how big are the fish tacos, cause there was an option to only buy one or two, and he answers with this gem “well, its a 6 inch tortilla, but i am a man, so you never really know what 6 inches really means.” great, 2 minutes into our dinner and we’re getting dick jokes from the waiter. not bad. also while ordering the guy asked if someone was veg or vegan because something they ordered had chicken stock in it. i appreciate the shit out of things like that, most places wouldnt care to ask or even know that someone would give a shit about that sort of thing. i got 2 fish tacos minus the salsa.
it was good. better than your standard mexican food fish tacos. quality ingredients, you could tell. not from a can. it was good. my only beef with the food was actually not with the food, but the price. i ordered 2 fish tacos, and it was like $12. and it was just 2 tacos, no rice, beans or any other bells and whistles. now at Plaza for $12 i could have gotten 3 fish tacos, beans, rice, a bottomless glass of my favorite diet cola, and a night with a waitress of my choosing. but maybe you get what you pay for, it was pretty good. i didnt hear any complaints around the table. Alicia ordered this, i think it was a veggie burrito with some mess next to it. im not sure if it translates in the pic but the burrito was really big, i mean not like Chipotle big, but big.
the real exciting thing about Gringo’s is easily the celebrities. we were just sitting there, enjoying our meal and in comes motherfucking Bodhi himself, Patrick Swayze. he just pulled up a stool and threw back a couple of his favorite cervesas. fucking legit. 
the waitress was a young, big breasted, fairly attractive women(sorry, no pic). christian asked her on a date when she got off… she declined his offer.
overall Gringo’s was cool. its a slight change of pace from your standard authentic mexican restaurant. slightly over priced if you ask me, but its good food, good people, good times for sure. i back it.
i caught up with one customer later, and here we have an exclusive Broad Audit interview with Gringo’s customer, broad audit supporter, chronic masturbator, general dude, Christian Arnold.
All auditors can agree, we have not just uno complaint about this mess.
Questionable ketchup, missing lemons, no refills… Salsa on a veggie burger?! Slab of frozen fish! Disappointing shrimp! I’ve been told that Uno’s thing is deep dish pizza , not burgers, fish, or shrimp, and maybe that is the root of the problem. Regardless, I hate it.
on sunday emma and i decided to wake up when the sun was warm promtly at noon, crawl out of bed, and meet chris tagetill at the Beach Pub for lunch(breakfast?) because we had heard rumors that there was an all you can eat flounder special for $11 and that Beach Pub has circus themed restrooms . only one of the rumors were true. 
Beach Pub is sort of an old local seafood/breakfast spot on Laskin Rd. in Virginia Beach. of our group only chris had been there before and that was years ago so we didnt know what to expect. but it was decent. not your nicest or fanciest seafood joint but it was pretty much what i would imagine from looking at the outside. its an older building, very outdated, a bunch of random mom’s with boy haircuts and 15 year old girls as the wait staff and tons of old people eating there that im sure are regulars. so before we were even helped chris spouted these words of dining wisdom, “places with a lot of old people are always good.”, aint that the truth? the food was decent. a kind of expensive lunch, but we knew what we were getting into and it was AYCE right? chris and i had the flounder special and emily had some french toast and eggs. 
i guess it was your standard flounder since i havent eaten flounder in probably more than 10 years. it was good. but there was a trick. the first piece of fish they bring you is HUUUUUUGE in hopes that your stomach is bigger than your eyes and you wont order another because you dont think you can finish another piece. but chris and i were far too smart for this group of half assed pub laborers. we both finished off three pieces of flounder, our first pieces being twice as big as the second and third. our meals came with a side, both of us choosing the standard french fries.
over all i’ll give the Beach Pub a satisfactory rating. it was decent. they have a different special every day of the week. and since ive just started eating fish, i think i might return on tuesday for their all you can eat fish and chips for $8.99, because really, we could all use more “all you can eat” specials in our lives cant we?
As a non-native of the bustling and expansive metropolis that is Hampton Roads (I am an “HRO,” or Hampton Roads Outsider), I had no preconceived notion of No Frill Grill. After having supped at the establishment, I would characterize the entire experience with one phrase: good, but confusing.
As we rolled into the strip mall that is home to No Frill, I was initially confounded by the establishment’s exterior. It looked like a 1950’s diner! Although I wouldn’t use the adjective “frill” to describe the building, it was certainly not frill-less. Further confusing this uninitiated HRO, the interior decoration upon entry was more suited to the lobby restaurant of an upscale ski lodge, with its cozy booths and wintry wooden paneling. After the initial bewilderment abated, the environs proved comfortable and the staff congenial.
Our waitress was immediately very friendly, and even thwarted the Head Auditor’s subterfuge on the ordering process (see “Madlibs – the Restaurant Edition,” Random House, 2002). Adding to the confusion, we were forced to spend the first five minutes of our meal without silverware, which proved more difficult for those within our party with coleslaw as a side than those with French fries. The Head Auditor and his associate both enjoyed what looked to be succulent veggie burgers, while the First Lady of Auditing nibbled disconcertedly at a very tall tuna melt. My teriyaki tuna pita absolutely exceeded my expectations. The tuna, which was cut into cubes, was cooked to a perfect pink, and the teriyaki sauce was flavorful without being overwhelming. The addition of a southwestern bean and corn salsa of sorts, although confusing, resulted in a delicious combination of flavors and textures when paired with the sweetness of the pita. The French fries were nothing to write home about, but they were certainly not sub-par.
After the silverware debacle, the Head Auditor had threatened the waitress with his stringent negative gratuity policy. This did not deter her from getting slightly testy with us when we politely agreed to her suggestion to split the check. Despite her initial discomfort with the request, she divvied the tab with alarming alacrity, leaving us in a mound of mathematical confusion. Nor was she baffled by my mid-meal request to change beverages, a service which she deftly provided. The service, although moody, was certainly furtle-free. This humble HRO departed the Grill slightly puzzled, but satiated and pleased nonetheless.
- A.C. Slater, HRO and No Sh-t Brit*
*On paper only. For all intent and purposes, the writer is a cultural American.