Broad Audit

ugh. i wish i wasn’t. let me begin with letting you all know a little something about myself. i am a grown ass man. i don’t read fucking comic books or “graphic novels”. i like sports. i play poker. i fuck chicks. I’m a fucking man. that being said, i thought this movie was straight up bad. alright here’s the plot without giving up any juice for the dweebs that didn’t go out opening night to see this: an ex-superhero is murdered, a vigilante named Rorschach begins an investigation into the murder, which begins to lead to a much more terrifying conclusion. alright, this movie was rated R. for good reason. plenty of gore and nudity for a “comic book” movie. it was also a painful 163 minutes long. about 150 of those minutes were wasted explaining the extremely looooooong boring plot lines and character backgrounds.

the first half of the movie was insanely slow and sleep inducing. way too much plot and little to no action to speak of. most of the characters are lame as crap also. the main group of vigilantes is a night owl guy, who’s really just a nerd who’s into birds and mythology. the worlds smartest man, seriously, that’s a guys power, hes smart. cool. some slut who’s only “power” seems to be to have sex with half of the super heroes in her posse. a member of the blue man group, who is some all invincible, all knowing, all seeing, telepathic, telaporting asshole, hes like a blue, naked Buddha. and last my favorite and I’m sure general crowd favorite Rorschach, i don’t know about the “book” but this guy is the true star of the movie. hes the only reason to watch. he rules new york with an iron fist. no mercy, no surrender. throughout the movie he pretty much calls everyone a pussy and beats the shit out of people. so once they finally get all the back story told they bring on some excellent action scenes. from street justice brawls, to awesome jailhouse fights, even with a few sex scenes thrown around in the mix(not jailhouse sex). I’ll give it to them, the fight scenes were awesome. some of the special effects and the way the super heroes fought were creative and really the only thing that kept me entertained. the acting…. oh man, the acting was awful. there wasn’t a single actor that i recognized really. and they all stunk, excluding only the man who played Rorschach. the actor/character was all around awesome. BUT i will say this… attn: Rorschach, Batman called, he wants his voice back. i LOVED The Dark Knight, loved it. and i felt obligated to defend any and every negative thing people had to say about the movie. and at least in my particular circle of friends i heard a ton of criticism on Batman’s “super hero voice”… Rorschach had the same exact voice. i don’t predict i hear one person say anything about it in this movie.

i should also mention that the movie takes from the 60s into the late 80s with an alternate past. America was successful in the Vietnam War, thanks in part to Watchmen, and Nixon is some sort of dictator. the bulk of the movie takes place in the 80s in heightened Cold War scare time.

there’s a lot i could say, but i fear I’d give up too much of the movie really. so i don’t really know what else i can say about it without spoiler content. just know that its a really long movie that moves incredibly slow, then has some worth while action moments, then moves on to its again slow boring ending.

all in all, i think it was pretty boring. i could have done with about 30-40 minutes less of endless plot, and more action. it was a really long movie to begin with and with the lack of action it just made it seem like a lifetime. if I’d went to a showing after 8pm, i bet i could’ve fallen asleep. i did however love the soundtrack. full of songs from the appropriate time frames and good, relevant choices for the situations.

me and Emma rented the movie Changeling last night. this isn’t going to be funny, i just liked the movie, I’ve read a handful of awful reviews and don’t know many people who have seen it, so I’m gonna give you my rundown of it and tell you to netflix this bad boy.

from the  director that brought you the racist hit Gran Tarino, and nationalist docu-drama’s Letters From Iwo Jima, and Flags of Our Fathers, Clint Eastwood corrals Angie Jolie, and my man, KGB, John Malkovichok to star in this joint. the movie is not “based” on a true story, it is not “inspired” by a true story, it IS a true story. this single mother raising her 9 year old son in the late 1920’s L.A. comes home after being called in on her day off, only to find that her son is missing. her son goes missing 5 months, till the LAPD find her boy… only it isn’t her son. she is insistent that this boy is not her son, and this embarrasses a police department that is already walking on egg shells with its city. when Mrs. Collins(jolie) rasies a big stink over the whole thing they throw her in a mental ward. Malcovich’s character is the west coast Pat Robetson i guess, he’s some rich, big shot televangelist who has made it his life’s work to rid the city of its corrupt, violent police force and sees this case as a great way to do just that.  so Malcovich gets some hot shot lawyer to get her out of the loony bin and they put the LAPD on trial. there’s so much more to the movie but id really not want to give it all away. but yea, if you know my taste in movies at all, and you agree with it in the slightest, you may enjoy this one.

red box this shit.

about a week or so ago my boss and i went to see Step Brothers, while on the clock of course, it was interesting. we wanted to go early and were working in Poquoson, VA so i found an extremely convenient theater with a showing at 10:30am… the Cinema Cafe of Hampton.

those of you not familiar with the Cinema Cafe’s, heres the run down. its a movie theater with a legitimate food menu, not just popcorn and twizzlers. you could order a steak if you want to and watch a movie. now i thought that Cinema Cafe’s only showed older out of theater movies, but apparently just the Virginia Beach location does that. our tickets were only $3.75, im not sure if that was due to the very early showing, or that it was a weekday or what, but it was less than $4 to see a current movie and every ticket comes with a free popcorn. i didnt order any food but i just think its cool that a place like this exists.  i will say this though, ive been to two of these places before and they are definitely not nice, clean, modern looking places. theyre dumps. just saying.

now the movie. eh. i was waaaaaaaay over the Ferrell schtick long ago, and was told that this film redeems him and isnt at all a typical Will Ferrell movie. i was lied to. it wasnt bad by any means i guess. it was just the same old thing though. i laughed a few times i made this face a few times

it was the standard Will Ferrel type movie, the only twist was that this one is rated R so every other word out of their mouths is a cuss word. one very good thing about this movie is that Mary Steenburgen(Ted Danson’s wife), the chick that played Doc Brown’s girlfriend in Back to the Future 3, plays Ferrell’s mom and is very hot for a 55 year old women.

but over all im gonna give this film a “meh”, not really recommend it and tell you that if you want to see Anchorman, dont see this cause it is no Anchorman, but if you want to watch Talladega Nights over and over again then you might want to see this one. and on the Cinema Cafe, two very enthusiastic thumbs up.