Broad Audit

ugh. i wish i wasn’t. let me begin with letting you all know a little something about myself. i am a grown ass man. i don’t read fucking comic books or “graphic novels”. i like sports. i play poker. i fuck chicks. I’m a fucking man. that being said, i thought this movie was straight up bad. alright here’s the plot without giving up any juice for the dweebs that didn’t go out opening night to see this: an ex-superhero is murdered, a vigilante named Rorschach begins an investigation into the murder, which begins to lead to a much more terrifying conclusion. alright, this movie was rated R. for good reason. plenty of gore and nudity for a “comic book” movie. it was also a painful 163 minutes long. about 150 of those minutes were wasted explaining the extremely looooooong boring plot lines and character backgrounds.

the first half of the movie was insanely slow and sleep inducing. way too much plot and little to no action to speak of. most of the characters are lame as crap also. the main group of vigilantes is a night owl guy, who’s really just a nerd who’s into birds and mythology. the worlds smartest man, seriously, that’s a guys power, hes smart. cool. some slut who’s only “power” seems to be to have sex with half of the super heroes in her posse. a member of the blue man group, who is some all invincible, all knowing, all seeing, telepathic, telaporting asshole, hes like a blue, naked Buddha. and last my favorite and I’m sure general crowd favorite Rorschach, i don’t know about the “book” but this guy is the true star of the movie. hes the only reason to watch. he rules new york with an iron fist. no mercy, no surrender. throughout the movie he pretty much calls everyone a pussy and beats the shit out of people. so once they finally get all the back story told they bring on some excellent action scenes. from street justice brawls, to awesome jailhouse fights, even with a few sex scenes thrown around in the mix(not jailhouse sex). I’ll give it to them, the fight scenes were awesome. some of the special effects and the way the super heroes fought were creative and really the only thing that kept me entertained. the acting…. oh man, the acting was awful. there wasn’t a single actor that i recognized really. and they all stunk, excluding only the man who played Rorschach. the actor/character was all around awesome. BUT i will say this… attn: Rorschach, Batman called, he wants his voice back. i LOVED The Dark Knight, loved it. and i felt obligated to defend any and every negative thing people had to say about the movie. and at least in my particular circle of friends i heard a ton of criticism on Batman’s “super hero voice”… Rorschach had the same exact voice. i don’t predict i hear one person say anything about it in this movie.

i should also mention that the movie takes from the 60s into the late 80s with an alternate past. America was successful in the Vietnam War, thanks in part to Watchmen, and Nixon is some sort of dictator. the bulk of the movie takes place in the 80s in heightened Cold War scare time.

there’s a lot i could say, but i fear I’d give up too much of the movie really. so i don’t really know what else i can say about it without spoiler content. just know that its a really long movie that moves incredibly slow, then has some worth while action moments, then moves on to its again slow boring ending.

all in all, i think it was pretty boring. i could have done with about 30-40 minutes less of endless plot, and more action. it was a really long movie to begin with and with the lack of action it just made it seem like a lifetime. if I’d went to a showing after 8pm, i bet i could’ve fallen asleep. i did however love the soundtrack. full of songs from the appropriate time frames and good, relevant choices for the situations.